Mistakes and Resets

Looking back a little more gently

I certainly hope we’ve all made mistakes.

And more than that, I hope we all know we’ve made them. There is probably nothing worse in this world, as we are seeing in real time multiple times a day, than a truly awful person who thinks they have never done anything wrong, and is incapable of doing wrong, and may in fact be the Greatest Person For Never Making Mistakes Who Ever Lived. Those big, strong mistakes not made are coming up to him with tears in their eyes saying, “Sir! Sir! Thank you for not making us, sir!”

I could go on, but my example speaks for me perfectly well.

Mistakes, I’ve made uh … several. Multitudes of mistakes. And I am not sorry, because I have learned so much from fucking up and having to figure out how to fix the shit of my own making. And it has made me more resourceful, smarter, quicker on my feet, and critically, more able to evaluate a situation before making a decision that could be catastrophic. I avoid most of those now. Mostly. Okay, catastrophic ones. I still make mistakes though, and thank the gods for that.

The biggest one was in about 1982. I fell in … something … with a guy who was Trouble On Two Legs … really nice, long legs … sorry, sorry. Trouble. Serious trouble. Drug problem trouble. Bad company trouble. Danger. Will. Robinson.

And I was 17 and knew jack about shit.

Guilt and shame about that whole thing weighed me down for years and years. I lost a job over that guy. My parents were … jesus, is there even a word? I actually had to be rescued. It was bad.

But then … it ended, with kind of a whimper, like it had run its course. Months later I got a postcard out of the blue from the guy, telling me he was moving back to a far away state to rejoin his family, and my love and support during our time together gave him the courage to think maybe he was worth something after all.

And I felt something in the universe go “snick.” Like a puzzle piece clicking in, or a tumbler in a lock falling into position.

Or a soul contract being marked “complete” by an efficient Akashic librarian.

The feeling of satisfaction was wonderfully pure. I felt released and relieved, but there was a sense of accomplishment that I did not understand or know what to do with.

Until years and years later when I looked back on that time and actually got it. Oh, duh, that completely out of character thing I did that nobody, including me, understood at all, was actually the actions required by a soul contract happening without my even having a concept of that, and I’ll be goddamned if I didn’t nail it.

Apparently, I know how to love people.

Makes sense, I have Venus and Neptune in conjunction in Scorpio in my natal chart. Oceanic love. Beautiful mysticism. Healing love energy on tap in a multitude of flavors.

Had I but known, I might have gotten through it without the suffering - but … all things considered, I am so grateful for the lessons I learned. And for those who are concerned for past me’s well-being, I emerged remarkably unscathed. I was lavished with affection and passion by a young man starved for love, and I gave as good as I got. And he found his way back to a better life because somebody actually taught him what actual love could be like.

That understanding transformed my shame into something very different. I’m so fucking proud of myself for that! I mean, wow! And you’re welcome, dude, it was quite literally and honestly a puh-leasure to work with you, as you actually believed that the ROI for bringing a woman to orgasm was off the charts and I now had a handy benchmark against which to measure any and all other potential mates. You don’t wanna give me that, not interested. Buh-bye.

And once the shame melted, the reset was less like a “snick” and more like a sonic boom. And it’s the reverberation that keeps on reverberating. It’s kind of like … cymatics. You put sand on a metal plate, put the plate on top of a speaker, play frequencies through the speaker and watch the sand move into beautiful coherent geometric patterns as you move through the sound spectrum. I find myself being vibrated into greater and greater coherence through every part of myself, my capacity for love, and my capacity for passion - not just physical/sensual, but creative, emotional, platonic, planetary, and flavors unthought of.

It’s like I got a new compass after having a sticky one that you had to shake around and hit with a hammer to get to work. Suddenly, it’s smoooooooth and accurate. I can’t wait to see where it leads me next.